drbelove.com How Relationships Work

Title: How Relationships Work
Description: How Relationships Work How Relationships Work by Philip Alan Belove, Ed.D. Home Dating At Midlife Midlife Poetry Other Dating Websites Rabbis In Love Reinventing Yourself Regularly Meet Dr. Belove Ask
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How Relationships Work How Relationships Work by Philip Alan Belove, Ed.D. Home Dating At Midlife Midlife Poetry Other Dating Websites Rabbis In Love Reinventing Yourself Regularly Meet Dr. Belove Ask Dr. Belove Contact Inspiration Counseling Services Browse By Date Browse By Date Select Month December 2014 (1) October 2014 (1) September 2014 (2) July 2014 (1) June 2014 (1) May 2014 (2) October 2013 (3) August 2013 (1) October 2011 (1) June 2011 (1) April 2011 (1) March 2011 (2) October 2010 (2) August 2010 (2) July 2010 (1) May 2010 (9) February 2010 (1) September 2009 (3) July 2009 (1) April 2009 (23) March 2009 (1) A Quote I Like “I guess there are lots of ways to get married. Some people marry someone they hardly know – which can work out, too. When you marry your best friend of many years, there should be another name for it. But the thing that surprised me about getting married was the way it altered time. And also the way it added a tenderness that was somehow completely new. To paraphrase the great Willie Nelson: "Ninety percent of the people in the world end up with the wrong person. And that's what makes the jukebox spin." Lou's jukebox spun for love and many other things, too – beauty, pain, history, courage, mystery. Read more: http://www.rollingstone.com/music/news/laurie-andersons-farewell-to-lou-reed-a-rolling-stone-exclusive-20131106#ixzz2k2meVEsY Follow us: @rollingstone on Twitter | RollingStone on Facebook” by Laure Anderson, her farewell to Lou Reed Rolling Stone click to see others Links Rabbis In Love Articles Of Interest From Other Websites Dr. Belove's Answers on Allexperts.com Dating At Midlife Website Tags affairs amitie passion awakening baggage change cheating co-creation commitment communication crisis dating fear honesty identity intimacy intuition know thyself limited partnerships long term relatinoships long term relationships love Marilyn Bronstein mating dance Maybe Except maybe time Melissa Franklin men midlife OK online dating online therapy passionate friendships personal ads Philip Belove Physical Chemistry poaching Reciprocal Altruism relationships secret love sex sexuality stages transformation trust truth Meta Register Log in Entries RSS Comments RSS WordPress.org Dec 04 2014 You. Me. We. Wow! Published by admin under Knowing Relationships BLOG A Relationship Has a Mind of It’s Own. You’ve probably intuited this, sensed it vaguely. When you reach a certain level of maturity you can really see this. But it takes effort. When my collaborator, Marilyn Bronstein, and I interviewed really successful couples, this is what we saw: they not only had a significant amount of self-respect (The “Me” mind) and they not only had a genuine and intelligent appreciation for their partner (The “You” mind), they also had a reasonably solid sense of how the two of them fit together into a “We.” And more than that, the loved the “We.” Sometimes they thought the “We” was so cool they were blown away in awe.(Wow!) You. Me. We. Wow. That’s how great relationships seem to work. So let’s look at the We. (This is a little abstract, but it’s a start.) A relationship is a shared mental process. In fact, at times couples aren’t sure who thought what, i.e., “Was that my idea or yours?” A relationship has a presence, a personality and an emotional impact. If one partner has an intense emotion – anger, lust, sadness, pick one – the other person feels it. An emotion is alike a rope both people are holding; it can and will make demands on both partners. It shapes how partners see each other. It is a lens through which partners understand each other. When there’s lust, they see each other as attractive, when there is anger, they see each other as dangerous, and so on. This is a preview of You. Me. We. Wow!. Read the full post (612 words, 2 images, estimated 2:27 mins reading time) Send article as PDF Tags: crisis, Marilyn Bronstein, Maybe Except, relationships No responses yet Aug 03 2010 Random Post: Is Your Boyfriend a Werewolf? Published by drbelove under Advice,Articles,Knowing Relationships BLOG by Philip Belove, Ed.D. Remember “The Wolf Man”? It was old silver screen horror story that mayseem pretty tame by today’s standards, but lately I find myself thinking about it as I work with people struggling to create good, intimate relationships. Here’s a plot summary: The lead character is warm and easy to be with — that is, except during full moons, when he grows long teeth and hair, gets angry and rips people apart. He can’t help it; he is a good person, but with a curse. But here’s the key part: He wants to be released from his curse and the only way that can happen is for someone who really loves him to shoot him through the heart with a silver bullet. He has to be in a relationship with someone he really loves and she has to see the darker side of who he is and then she has to destroy him. Someone who approved this script said, “That’s right. That makes a certain kind of sense.” How does this weird lesson apply to the successful creation of a long term relationship? This is a preview of Random Post: Is Your Boyfriend a Werewolf?. Read the full post (833 words, 2 images, estimated 3:20 mins reading time) Send article as PDF Tags: change, dating, love, OK, Philip Belove, relationships No responses yet Oct 02 2014 Reinventing Yourself Published by admin under Knowing Relationships BLOG Sometimes I find the same basic idea in contemporary psychology and also ancient wisdom. So then I think there is a lot of truth in it. And then, when I find it in a quote by an artist I admire, I feel that I’ve found something especially trustworthy. Here is the quote: “We have to invent and reinvent who we are until we arrive at a self we can bear to live with and die with.” It’s by the poet, Stanley Kunitz and I don’t know how he discovered the principle. I hadn’t heard it elsewhere. Usually what I hear is “Be true to yourself.” How do we reconcile those two thoughts? How do we reconcile “being true,” with “reinventing?” Kunitz died in 2006 at age 101. He was twice named as U.S. poet laureate. Younger poets made pilgrimages to be with him. I’m sure he practiced what he preached. In the quote, he was talking about how he became a good poet. The more I thought about what he said, the more I felt that it also applied to becoming a good partner. If you have a love relationship and the two of you are building a life together, all that he said about being a poet is also true for being a partner. What’s true of creating is also true of co-creating. This is a preview of Reinventing Yourself. Read the full post (1482 words, 2 images, estimated 5:56 mins reading time) Send article as PDF Tags: Jewish New Year, love, relationships, truth One response so far Sep 17 2014 Anger, Betrayal and Giving Up: How Break-ups Work and Don’t Work Published by drbelove under Knowing Relationships BLOG Film director John Cassavettes said, “Life is a series of attempts to avoid being exposed as a fool. But in the effort to do this we make even bigger fools of ourselves. Most of the arguments between men and women are based on someone’s inability to express what they really mean. “ Ending a romance that isn’t working anymore is like killing a pet to put it out of its misery. Almost everyone I know has had to do this. How do you cope with it? There is a range of responses. Dorothy Parker, at midlife, once said that every new relationship is a shade paler than the previous one. She always had a way of making her bitterness funny. I have a good friend who owns a small business with eight employees. Over five years he’s had to fire several people. “And yet,” he said, “every time I been able to find someone better, and as result my business improved.” Takes Two to Not Tango Unlike putting a pet to “sleep,” a break-up is almost always a joint decision. There’s some superficial maneuvering between the partners about who pulls the plug and takes the blame. But when you look carefully, you can see how they did it together, how his refusal met her refusal and her refusal met his. If they can see only this much, then they have a good chance of remaining friends afterwards; otherwise, not so much. Painful break ups are often good for both partners and less painful than continuing. Like repairing a broken mirror, it’s better to abandon it than cut yourself up trying to fix it. People who have once loved each other dearly don’t break up lightly; but they do break up. The test of how wise the people are is not whether or not they’ve stayed together but whether, after the break up, they see why it was a good idea for both of them. A break up means one of two things was true about the relationship. Click to continue reading “Anger, Betrayal and Giving Up: How Break-ups Work and Don’t Work” This is a preview of Anger, Betrayal and Giving Up: How Break-ups Work and Don’t Work. Read the full post (354 words, 2 images, estimated 1:25 mins reading time) Send article as PDF Tags: Getting Angry, Getting Resentful, Primal Avoidance, Relationship Destroys Itself 2 responses so far Sep 10 2014 “Live with Purpose” or “Live one day at a time.” Which will it be? Published by admin under Knowing Relationships BLOG I had a very interesting conversation over the weekend with a man I’d just met. The conversation was so good that we ended up with a better question than an answer. It’s always very satisfying to walk away with something to think about. I’ll share the question first, then the story of how we got there, then how I think I’ve answered it. First, here’s the question: How can you live your life according to your highest purpose and also live in the moment? And this wasn’t an idle question. It had serious consequences. It all started on a Sunday afternoon in late August in one of Montreal’s most beautiful city parks. There was a lake with ducks, people wandering the paths around the lake, a white lodge with a café on the terrace serving lunch under the trees, a man playing accordion near the lunch tables, a great lawn with many picnic tables and grown-ups and kids and dogs all over the place, everyone very happy. Cyclists and joggers passed by one the paths and mountainous clouds passed by overhead. This is a preview of “Live with Purpose” or “Live one day at a time.” Which will it be?. Read the full post (1514 words, 2 images, estimated 6:03 mins reading time) Send article as PDF Tags: love, Marilyn Bronstein, Pastor Rick Warren, relationships No responses yet Jul 22 2014 How love writes its truths on your soul, and how you can read what it has written. Published by drbelove under Knowing Relationships BLOG I was at a funeral. This woman who died was one of those heroically wonderful women one meets only some times. She was beautiful and brilliant and a great mother and an athlete and light-hearted and friendly and dearly loved her husband and her life with him. He was handsome, successful, good-hearted and very much in love with her. They were generous people. They had three children and adopted a fourth. It was a picture too good to be true, it seemed, and in her late forties when she went for her yearly check-up, they discovered a brain tumor. “We will remove it,” they said, “But when it comes back, and it will because it’s that kind of cancer, you will only have months to live. So prepare yourself.” Brain cancer. I remember speaking to her in her final months. She was all puffed up from her medications. She said to me, “Well, I’ve lost my ability to listen to classical music. My brain can’t handle it. Dying is so weird.” I share all this with you because, at her funeral, her husband, who wanted us to understand who they were to each other and why he loved her so, shared the story of the moment he knew that he was going to fall in love with her. It’s an amazing story and it is the perfect example of what I wish to share with you in this writing. This is a preview of How love writes its truths on your soul, and how you can read what it has written.. Read the full post (1313 words, 2 images, estimated 5:15 mins reading time) Send article as PDF Tags: FECK, intuition, love, Marilyn Bronstein No responses yet Jun 09 2014 Internet Dating and Sociopaths. Published by drbelove under Advice (So, I’m taking a break from talking about really, really good relationships and I’m going to talk about really bad ones that usually don’t last.) I saw a great TED talk. If you’re considering websites and online dating, as many are, this talk is very helpful. http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tedtalks/amy-webb-ted-online-dating_b_5460048.html#es_share_ended However, the main reason I mention this talk is that she tells a very dark, funny-but-dark story of a first date, arranged on line, and the guy turns out to be a sociopath. Only a small surprise. The internet dating scene is filled with such folks and my experience as a coach in these realms has included hearing many such stories. I got close to this sociopath stuff with the most popular blog I ever wrote. “Is your boyfriend a Werewolf?” http://www.drbelove.com/?s=werewolf But the guys in that article were basically good guys with a dark side. When it comes to sociopaths, I’m not so sure. But maybe it’s the belief that he’s not so bad, really that tempts people. There is a cartoon in the New Yorker that I love that shows a woman introducing her boyfriend to her parents and the boyfriend is obviously a vampire. He has those long teeth and his hair comes to a point and the woman is saying, “I know, but I think I can change him.” Good joke. This is a preview of Internet Dating and Sociopaths.. Read the full post (787 words, 2 images, estimated 3:09 mins reading time) Send article as PDF Tags: dating sociopath sex-in-dating One response so far May 06 2014 Can A Relationship Be Sacred To One But Not To The Other? Published by drbelove under Knowing Relationships BLOG Let’s look more closely at this and we’ll start with the least sacred way of thinking I can imagine: cold, impersonal, chemical interactions inside the brain. Ah, psychology has a way of getting to the heart of things, don’t you think? The presence of loved and loving partner, may I say, “the sacred presence,” triggers a specific brain chemical called oxytocin. Now it would be a great mistake, if not a modern one, to reduce all this to oxytocin and say, “Well Really, it’s just a change in brain chemistry.” I cringe. That would be like saying that the chemical level is the only level that really matters. But still, in the presence of the Sacred, we do have a change in brain chemistry and this change makes a change in the way we experience life. Oxytocin makes us get personal and gushy. Oxytocin is the cuddle neurochemical. It appears in the brains of babies and mothers during nursing. It’s in lovers in their sweet afterglow. It appears in the brain when two become as one. It appears when we become part of something bigger than just ourselves. This is a preview of Can A Relationship Be Sacred To One But Not To The Other?. Read the full post (484 words, 2 images, estimated 1:56 mins reading time) Send article as PDF Tags: change, love, Paul Zak, relationships No responses yet May 06 2014 How the Sacred Appears in Intimate Relationships. Published by drbelove under Knowing Relationships BLOG I was going to call this post, “How to make a relationship sacred,” but that can’t be done. You can’t make something sacred. You can recognize, or discover it. You can’t make it. And there is something sacred within some relationships. However it exists independently of you or your wishes and schemes, and that’s partly what makes it sacred. What you can do, in response to that sacred something is honor and protect it, or desecrate it. Either/or. I don’t think there is a neutral position. But first, I’m going to try to define the sacred without using words like “God” and “Spirituality,” words that are equally mysterious and poetic. (I am trying find ways to think about my experience of these things that feels fresh and personal. I don’t want to just listen to elders without including my own voice, especially now that I’ve become elder myself.) What does it mean when I say something is sacred? I was fascinated to learn that the Hebrew word for “blessing” was very close to the word for a fresh water spring. It also means something set apart. I like looking at how humans first start using a word. I helps me understand the deep meanings of that word. Maybe the old word for holiness is an ancient metaphor. Suppose we lived in a desert and one day, one of us found a fresh water bubbling up, a spring. Imagine that, water, the stuff of life, coming up out of nowhere right in the middle of a desert! We’d all stop and look and remember this place forever, something we discovered that changed our life for the better. That is want it’s like to find something sacred. This is a preview of How the Sacred Appears in Intimate Relationships.. Read the full post (957 words, 2 images, estimated 3:50 mins reading time) Send article as PDF Tags: love, Old Testament, relationships No responses yet Oct 30 2013 Our Response to the Jewrotica.org Contest to Name “Hot” Rabbi Couples: Published by drbelove under Knowing Relationships BLOG We told friends we were submitting an article to “Jewrotica.org” in response to their “Hottest Rabbi Couple” contest. They said, “You’re kidding.” We heard those exact same words a year ago when we told them the title of our book. Our book, “Rabbis in Love” is a book of conversations with rabbi couples who are very much in love. The picture above is a picture of Rabbi Ronnie Cahana and his wife of 35 years, Karen, taken by their daughter, Kitra, in the hospital as Ronnie recovered from his stroke. (http://kitracahana.com/) They are the first couple in the book, the one who inspired us to do the book. Reb Leibish and Deena Hundert, another couple in the book, gave us a story about sexual curiosity that comes from the Talmud, surprise! A Rabbinic student hides under his teacher’s bed to observe how his teacher makes love to his wife. The punch line comes after he gets caught. He explains, “This, too, is Torah I need to learn.” The point of the Talmud story is that earthly love and spirituality embrace each other. Being romantic and passionate is a high calling for Jews. Doing the book, for us, was a modern version of hiding under the bed. We interviewed ten couples and included nine in the book. One couple felt they had revealed too much and they backed out. These conversations are about what really happens between the partners when they are alone. It’s about how they figure out how to love each other across time. This is a preview of Our Response to the Jewrotica.org Contest to Name “Hot” Rabbi Couples:. Read the full post (742 words, 2 images, estimated 2:58 mins reading time) Send article as PDF Tags: Hottest Rabbi Couple, love, Neshama Achat, Rabbi Ronnie Cahana, Reb Haim Sherrf, Zalman Schacter Shalomi No responses yet Oct 16 2013 Sacred Space. Yet Not Alone. Published by drbelove under Knowing Relationships BLOG For many spiritual traditions, sacred space is a place to be alone. Big churches, a man alone with a flute, an empty forest, a woman doing meditation, these were the images of sacred space offered up by a Google search. However, for many of us, sacred space is also a place to not be alone. My colleague, Marilyn Bronstein, and I just finished a three-year project interviewing couples who loved each other deeply and who were also committed to a spiritual practice. One or both of them was a Rabbi. (Read all about it “Rabbis in Love,” available soon on Amazon or at www.rabbis-in-love.com) Sacred space was part of how they loved each other. They created sacred space for their relationship. It was a great lesson and very touching. The book was full of “I-want-that-in-my-life” moments and this was certainly one of them. Rabbi Ronnie and Karen Cahana talked about Sabbath. For them, it was a sacred space that was also a sacred time. Every week, on Sabbath, they set aside a time only for them, away from what Rabbi Ronnie called, “the bluster of the void.” (By that I think he meant all that busy-business we get caught up in. ) Within that special time, they “raised each other up,” as he put it. I understood him to mean that they appreciated each other, in doing that they increased their value both to themselves and each other. They cherished each other, loved each other, and revealed to each other their most tender secrets. This is a preview of Sacred Space. Yet Not Alone.. Read the full post (596 words, 2 images, estimated 2:23 mins reading time) Send article as PDF Tags: Every Shabbat, Karen Cahana, Rabbi Ronnie, Sacred Space No responses yet Next ? Search for: Dating At Midlife Each new life phase has its own special challenges. Puberty, starting a career, being married, raising kids. Timeless challenges. However, creating an enduring romantic relationship from scratch when you are midlife is both common and relatively new; one without a lot of accumulated wisdom to draw on. I’m in my late 60’s and I’ve been studying how people address this challenge successfully, and unsuccessfully, for almost 30 years. I’ve talked to thousands of folks and read a lot. Rabbis In Love Click image to purchase About Me I am Philip Belove, M.A., Ed.D. I got my masters in counseling psych in 1978 and my doc in psychology with a focus on marriage and family therapy in 1986. Someone thought Dr. Belove was a brand name. It is a bit karmic. I care about this topic. learn more Recent Posts You. Me. We. Wow! Reinventing Yourself Anger, Betrayal and Giving Up: How Break-ups Work and Don’t Work “Live with Purpose” or “Live one day at a time.” Which will it be? How love writes its truths on your soul, and how you can read what it has written. Internet Dating and Sociopaths. Can A Relationship Be Sacred To One But Not To The Other? How the Sacred Appears in Intimate Relationships. Our Response to the Jewrotica.org Contest to Name “Hot” Rabbi Couples: Sacred Space. Yet Not Alone. What Can You Learn From Feeding Your Dog That Translates Into Having A Great Sex Life? Partners who are very different understand something important about what makes a relationship work. The Road to Hell and (Sometimes) Back. Affairs That Initiate a Midlife Crisis: What’s Going On, Why They Work and Why, Eventually, They Usually Don’t Work. How to Read Someone’s Intentions Like a Pro. 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